By Amanda Brown
At the start of a new decade, it is intriguing to look back on the last 10 years and consider what that period will be remembered for in the history books. I am less interested in this from a political standpoint, but I am fascinated by it from a cultural and societal perspective.
One defining feature of the 2010s that really stands out to me is the collective cultural emphasis placed on self-love and acceptance. The importance of loving and accepting oneself, despite flaws and shortcomings took over the culture to the point of a nigh reverence to it.
So what is it all about? The Brain and Behavior Research Foundation wrote an article in February of last year describing self love as
“having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Self-love means taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.”
This is a pretty general, basic definition although it can vary across platforms. You can do a quick internet search and find thousands of takes on self-love and self-acceptance offering different approaches and instructions on how to master it for yourself. You’ll find a lot of material claiming that if you can just figure out how to accept both the good and bad of yourself, if you can find satisfaction in who you are despite faults, poor behavior and bad choices, then you will be happy and fulfilled. Experts and self-proclaimed influencers alike claim that if you can escape or drown out feelings of shame and guilt with self-love and acceptance, then you’ll finally experience the positive growth and personal peace you’ve been searching for.
It might sound good on the surface, but I believe there is an underlying detriment to succumbing to this philosophy. The promoters and believers in the “above all else, love yourself” mantra forget to mention the ways in which an over-emphasis on self-love can turn easily morph into self-admiration, self-absorption, self-interest, selfishness, and even narcissism.
The idea that never sacrificing your own well-being to aid in another’s will make you fulfilled seems to forget that self-sacrifice is one of the most crucial aspects of loving others. I would even venture to say it’s a prerequisite for any healthy, fulfilling relationship. Always prioritizing yourself and your well-being over others leads to the breakdown of relationships and eventually loneliness.
Additionally, this self-love and acceptance movement has come at the loss of shame. Our society has turned shame into a bad word. It’s always spoken about with negative connotations and as something to escape. But in truth, shame can be a good thing. Guilt and shame are oftentimes evidence of a working conscience. The Oxford Dictionary defines shame as
“a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”
Painful feelings are never fun to experience, but that doesn’t mean they don’t serve a positive purpose. Experiencing the emotional consequences of having done something wrong or foolish creates an incentive to change that behavior. It’s worth mentioning that a complete lack of shame and remorse is central to sociopathic behavior.
If your goal is to become a better, more loving, more fulfilled person, the importance of a healthy dose of shame should be recognized. I am afraid that concept has been lost on us amidst the recent self-love movement.
While the movement may be well intentioned, when you step back and look at society, I fear the results speak for themselves. A focus solely on self leads to misery. The self-acceptance ideal does not allow for the much needed human experience of recompense and reconciliation.
I want to be clear, I’m in no way promoting self-loathing. The thing that the self-love movement has gotten right is the recognition that hating yourself is harmful. But of course there are two sides to every pendulum and I argue that neither extreme on this subject is correct. Ideally, both shame and self-love can co-exist in us in moderation.
In a culture constantly telling you to love and accept yourself, regardless of your failings, remember that a healthy dose of shame can make you better than you were yesterday.
