By: Jennifer Ziemba
It is a week before my middle and high schooler start school, a week and a half until my elementary aged son, 3 weeks until my college freshman starts and just 2 weeks until my final semester of graduate school begins. That alone is a bit overwhelming, but it happens every year, right?
No, it did not happen last year. I didn’t rush around like a wild woman trying to get school clothes, supplies, backpacks, lunch boxes, lunch friendly food and of course the shoes. This year I did. I did the shopping for 4 children. I didn’t know what to get my middle and high schooler because they don’t get lists. I guessed for them and my college student. I got the many, many supplies for a fifth grader (who needs 72 sharpened pencils on day one?). I took the kids school clothes shopping and ordered what wasn’t in the stores. I got the backpacks and the lunch boxes and all the food that goes in those boxes. We were ready. I was ready. So, I thought.
I was ready for the kids to be back in school five days a week. Ready to get back to normal. I thought I was ready. Isn’t it what we all want? Normalcy. I had everyone ready to get back to school a week early. They were so excited to get back to normal, I thought. Lots of discussions amongst each other about things like the fastest way to get to the gym from the auditorium or the best food in the cafeteria. I didn’t think anything of it and enjoyed the sibling banter. They were settling into the thought of returning in person. But I wasn’t.
Why do I have this tightening in my chest? Why am I getting emotional over back to school commercials? Why are they so excited? Why, why, why! Why does it feel like my heart is outside of my body and I can’t control anything? After a year and a half of not having to worry if my kids missed the bus, they forgot their lunch, forgot their homework, were being bullied, were bullying, or the one I struggle with more than any other, if a gun was brought to school with malicious intent. Nope, didn’t have to worry about any of those for a year and a half. My kids were home. Safely working on their Chromebooks with blankets on their laps and food at their fingertips for a year and a half. I selfishly relished in the fact that my babies were home.
Not this year. This year all 4 had to return to in person learning. This year they would ride the bus again, sit with friends again, and be able to raise their hands for immediate assistance. This is all great, right? Why am I sick to my stomach just envisioning an empty house?
All the first days arrived, and the pictures were taken. The older two walked from the car and looked back with nervous smiles while the little guy basically skipped in pure happiness to the school doors. Then came the new college freshman’s first day. Although mostly virtual, a first day, nonetheless. I expected the excited fast stories at the end of the day and I was not disappointed. I heard about how cool dance class is, so and so is in class again, the syllabus is so long, and basketball is so cool. I soaked in the stories forgetting about my worries. Forgetting about that empty feeling deep in my gut. Until I heard how nervous my daughter was walking into the high school for the first time because she missed her freshman year, and this was her first time walking those halls for class. Until I heard my eighth grader was so scared, she wouldn’t know anyone at lunch and until my little guy said they did a lock down drill. I didn’t think about the effect the last year and a half had on those things for the children. I thought it was just me that had that scared empty feeling. No, the kids have those feelings too.
The kids enjoyed not having to change out of their sweats all year and snack all day, but they also enjoyed the security of being home. The security of having their homework right next to them or knowing a shooter wasn’t going to barge into their virtual math class. The kids were going through serious emotions too. This made my heart hurt. I let it sink in and then my oldest started college. That was it. That was all I needed to open the flood gates.
The changes over the last year and a half were a lot for all of us, but remember, things are going back to normal and that is what we need. The kids have adjusted and found new friends. All the lock down drills have been completed and the homework has started, but the flood gates were opened. The worries are in full force, but so is the laughter and groans. The fights over the bathroom have commenced and the bus rides have begun. Feeling like my heart is outside of my body while going in four different directions every day is my new normal. It is important to know it is okay to cry. It is okay to let both your happy and sad emotions flow. I will never stop worrying and I will never stop laughing. Enjoy those crazy days before the school year starts and buy the yellow binder.
