By: Jennifer Ziemba
Have you ever thought, “If only I knew then what I know now?” I know I have several times. Thinking back on the difficult and downright hard times makes me appreciate the good times I have now, but years ago I would have laughed at you if you told me I was going to be where I am today.
Ten years ago I was a single mom with four very young children just trying to make ends meet. We lived in an 800 sq. ft. two bedroom home in a small town in Ohio. I worked full time as a pre-school teacher at the same daycare my children attended. I wish I knew then that I would become the assistant director of that same daycare in New Mexico once I moved out of Ohio.
The endless days of teaching, parenting, struggling was all going to be worth it, but I didn’t know that in the moment. I didn’t know I was going to become best friends with a man and fall in love with him and marry him. I didn’t know we would end up moving to New Mexico for his job promotion. I didn’t know we were going to go from a two bedroom home to a four bedroom home. I wish I could have told myself then that everything was going to be ok.
Ten years ago, I woke up every day just the kids and myself and made sure we were all clean, dressed, fed and happy. I drove all of us to daycare. I kissed my school ager goodbye and then dropped the others at their rooms and clocked in to teach my own classroom. I worked all day with my children right there with me. I could hear when their name was called or they were misbehaving. I could see them on the playground or when they got on the school bus. I even worked in their rooms once in a while.
Then, at the end of the day I would go from room to room gathering all four of them to head home. I would make dinner while the oldest asked endless questions about homework and they all told me about their adventures throughout the day. Then we would all sit together on one couch and snuggle while watching TV until it was bedtime. I wish I could go back and tell myself to snuggle those little ones a little longer but that the relationship we built was going to remain. I wish I could have told myself I was doing the right things. The kids were learning how to live and love all from me in those every day moments.
I wish I could go back and tell myself that even though it feels hard and you are tired it is all going to be worth it. The kids are still going to be close and you are going to thrive. Keep going momma you are going to make it.
We moved to New Mexico five years ago in November and I was a mess. I did not think I was going to survive when we moved here. I cried every day. I missed the green trees and the grass. I missed my friends. I missed the kids and families from my job. I missed my coworkers. Everything was brown here. I could see for miles. People here were different. I wish I could have told myself this was the place you and your family were meant to be. This is the place you all were going to thrive. I would have told myself that it was going to be ok and you are going to do great things and help so many people and make new amazing friends. I would tell myself that you will actually love the desert scenery and end up disliking the trees and green when you go back East. It will make you feel claustrophobic and you will long to go back to the brown with endless visibility.
The questions and fears that happen are all part of your story. The ups and downs are what shape you. Knowing what is coming would have made it less satisfying when goals were met and dreams came true.
If I knew then what I know now I would not have been able to look back on the accomplishments my children and I achieved with as much pride. We made it together. We struggled together and we thrived together. I could not tell my younger self what was about to happen, but I can tell myself now that I am on the right path and I have put my children on the right path and to trust myself because through the ups and downs we always came out on top.
So, believe in yourself and keep on going because the hard times only strengthen you and make the good times that much better. You can do it! You are worth it! And you will look back on this exact moment in the future and think, if only I knew then what I know now!
