By Whitney Hobson
I’ve wanted to give up so many times.
Be it giving up my existence to live, my leap-of-faith keeping me afloat in graduate school, or on the idea I will ever feel as connected to a romantic relationship-partnership (similar to dreamy poetry revealed in Taylor Swift song lyrics). From the jump, I brought you aboard a heavy loaded plane, nose diving into my article. Fret not my reader! As captain of this paper, I want to give you a silver lining to my flight pattern. There is a miraculous pulling up of this plane; we only experience a slight loss in altitude, some bumpy turbulence, and, at times, a loss of oxygen. Yet not a complete loss, not a complete failure, nor a crash into the earth.
I am still here, as are you. That’s a gift.
As I write this for a grade, it is two days past the due date. I was too stumped to write earlier in the week. I was as stumped as the poor tree at the very end of Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree. (I get so mad at the little boy–and later, grown man–in the book; he just kept taking from the tree. But I digress.) Back to the challenge in writing this. Authentically, I felt compelled to write from my heart about wanting to give up as my fingers danced across my bluetooth keypads, like a ballerina’s quick moving legs and feet across the hardwood stage in pointe shoes.
I use the phrase ‘giving up my existence to live’ because I struggle at times with having an existential crisis of identity and finding my place in the world. I also use it as a litmus test on productivity, as we are humans in a consumerism-based society. I tick all the boxes: woman (check), 40+ (check), single (check), Anglo (check), annual income 15-25k (check).
Last semester, as I became aware of the differences between qualitative research and quantitative research, I realized that my life experiences are more of the qualitative sort. Thus, my other feeling of being partially stuck, wanting to yield to giving up. Thinking of this, I find fascinating the song, “Majorie,” named after Taylor Swift’s opera singing grandmother:
“Never be so kind you forget to be clever. Never be so clever, you forget to be kind. Never be so polite, you forget your power. Never wield such power, you forget to be polite.”
From “Majorie” by Taylor Swift
Within this semester, I have finally been able to surrender to receiving medical attention, consistently connecting with a doctor to assess my anxiety and depression. It has held me on the edge of a precipice for too long; those day dreams of not existing to cause ease to myself and others became all too real.
Next, my leap-of-faith keeping me afloat in graduate school. Yes, here we are! I say ‘afloat’ due to the nature of bringing deep thoughts out to be seen, while also cultivating a life on the farm with a woman’s group leadership way of existing within our family dynamic. After being so inspired by the 74 other women I sat with in a room with at Hotel Albuquerque, downtown, soaking in the power and connection of this group. Communication is the graduate degree I am drawn to, along with communication gain within our family dynamics to farm and continue the legacy.
“Ask me what I learned from all those years. Ask me what I learned from all those tears. Ask me why so many fade but I’m still here.”
From “Karma” by Taylor Swift.
And as an esteemed feather in my cap, I was able to publish a powerful story here in HoundBytes. I never imagined how cathartic, nor how special it was to have my story seen online, along with sharing it with girlfriends of mine.
Beyond the desire to exist in an authentic and purposeful way, I deeply have wanted to find a partnership and feel supported. Instead, I have come to the conclusion this semester that the single vocation in the Catholic Church is a beautiful way to feel a significance in this lifetime (as are marriage and being members of the clergy). I love the knowledge of this current vocation, because it makes me less of a Dorothy-esque character from Wizard of Oz, on the yellow brick road, wishing to find the “right guy” to complete my life and our family farm. I am able to take a deep breath and write this paper, as I embrace my full, bright, and beautiful life.
“I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate. Not the things I hate. Not the things I’m afraid of, I’m afraid of. The things that haunt me in the middle of the night, I, I just think that You are what you love.”
From “Daylight” by Taylor Swift.
As we safely land on the tarmac after the venture of flight that is detailing my life, we come to the end of this story, with the wheels of the plane carrying us back to safety and the knowledge that we at least have this precious life.
I am still here, as are you. That is a gift.
